The Spectacle of Spectacles!

I’m beginning to feel like a middle-aged Andy Rooney. Instead of doing incisive analysis of world events, or cutting-edge humor like the great Scott Ott at ScrappleFace, I’m always griping about something, or so it seems. Ah, well…when you’re not the brightest bulb in the marquee, you do what you can, and try to brighten the corner where you are.

I broke my glasses—the ones in the picture—just after Christmas. A couple of days ago, when everyone had recovered from their New Year’s hangovers, I went in for an eye exam and a new pair. No big chain-store optometrists in a strip mall for this little grey marsupial; I use a private-practice optometrist who knows his patients, and cares about them. The eye examination was comprehensive and easygoing at the same time, and while the franchise opticians boast “glasses in an hour”, I had mine in less than fifteen minutes from the moment the frames were chosen.

The frames are what have me going today. What’s with the latest “fashion” in men’s glasses? I’m specifically addressing these girly-men frames that keep showing up on guys’ faces. You know what I’m talking about: those narrow, 3/4-frame jobs that look like they belong on a schoolgirl, not an adult male. I admit to being old-fashioned and politically incorrect, but it’s jarring to see an otherwise intelligent man, especially those offering commentary on TV, looking like a sissy. The America-hating political cartoonist Ted Rall is one example. He looks like he stole his glasses from a 12-year-old girl. When he made an appearance on one of FOX News’s shout-shows, defending one of his appallingly offensive “cartoons”, he looked like a dork. To be fair and balanced, there is a FOX reporter, Roger Something-or-other-with-a-British-accent, who also wears similar glasses at times. During the commercial breaks between Ted and Roger, a nationwide optician’s chain store advertises handsome, smiling guys wearing these feminine-looking glasses. Thank God, my optometrist didn’t try to foist something like that on me.

I know…I know. We have a “spy scandal”, a bribery scandal connected to a political lobbying scandal, soaring energy prices, an out-of-control southern border, and I keep hearing rumors of a war somewhere that’s still ongoing. With all that, why the high dudgeon about the latest fad in men’s eyewear?

The answer is simple: if an otherwise qualified male individual is going to offer analysis, or propose solutions, for any of the serious subjects just mentioned, he should try to look intelligent and sincere. He should not look like a child molester who keeps souvenirs. These hip, girly-man glasses are an affront to masculinity, like movies that star Leonardo DiCaprio. I know that it’s the age of the Sensitive New Age Guy, but the last time I checked, most women like their men to be, well, manly. That doesn’t mean beating the wife, kicking the dog, or thrashing the kids. We can appreciate the fact that men are, in fact, from a different planet than women, however. There is something vaguely disquieting in this subtle denial of masculinity in today’s culture. Leonardo DiCaprio was born to play his role in “Titanic”, but when he tries to be convincing as an Old West gunfighter, a New York gang lord, or a man’s man like Howard Hughes, the results are laughable. My generation grew up with John Wayne and Clint Eastwood for role models; the most sensitive of that pantheon of actors was Jimmy Stewart, and he was a rugged guy, onscreen and off, when he had to be.

Dorothy Parker once said: “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.” I suppose the other side of that coin would’ve been the notion that “real men don’t wear glasses.” Both of these ideas are fallacies. I am attracted to women who wear glasses. Of course, being a Sensitive New Age Guy, I don’t make passes at them these days. Men have the same Mark I model eyeballs as women, and sometimes need a little outside assistance to bring the world into focus. But, c’mon, guys! Either get yourself some Clark Kent horn-rims, or some industrial-looking glasses like Michael Douglas wore in “Falling Down”, or some aviator-style wire-frames, as I did this week. Or go with the frameless look, like Denzel Washington in “The Manchurian Candidate”. Even the Ben Franklin or John Lennon style is acceptable. Looking like a girly-man who snatched his glasses from a pre-adolescent schoolgirl is not acceptable. Grow up!