Thursday, August 17, 2006

"Open the pod bay doors, HAL..."

I'm having serious computer "issues". They are currently under repair. When Al Qaeda detonates an Iranian device over Cleveland, the EMP [ElectroMagnetic Pulse] inherent to nuclear weapons will fry every electronic gadget within hundreds of miles. (More if they get an airburst over 10,000 feet; that might reach Wall Street and the stock exchanges. "Oops! We just lost the national economy!") We depend too much upon the very medium that is allowing you to read these mutterings. The Stone Age barbarians who are currently seeking to destroy us in the name of Allah recognize this dependency as a weakness they can exploit.

Before my home version of HAL-9000 crashes again, here's a pop quiz to keep my faithful readers on your toes. (It's a cut-and-paste job; thanks to Patriot Post, Mack, and other "did you see this?" follow-ups.)

Food for thought; I'll grab an idea out of what's left of my mind when I stop getting the ubiquitous "disk read error...sorry for the inconvenience...fatal" messages.

Criminal [not "racial"] profiling and why it works :

In 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. a Muslim male extremist between the age of 17 and 40

In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 403.

In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

And guess who just got arrested in Britain for plotting to bring down over a half-dozen airliners at once...Nope, ..I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.

'Nuff said. HAL-9000 is making those peculiar squeaking noises that indicate a search for updates, and predicates a shutdown when it doesn't find them. I urge my readers to explore the consequences of EMP when the terrorists manage the nuclear event they dream of. I'm getting my precursor in trying to get this rambling posted...

22 Comments:

Blogger Nylecoj said...

Nope! No reason to profile. Geez

August 17, 2006 10:33 AM  
Blogger Beerme said...

Am I reading a pattern, here?

August 17, 2006 4:46 PM  
Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Like Sean Hannity says, "I don't endorse racial profiling or gender profiling or religious profiling... I endorse "terrorist profiling"!

If we know the candidates who are most likely to be 'terrorists', then we ought to focus on them and stop wasting our time and money on everybody else.

If Chinese grandmothers suddenly become a terrorist threat, then we should start focusing on them. Until then, Muslim male extremists between the age of 17 and 40 seem to be a pretty good bet.

Regards...

August 17, 2006 5:42 PM  
Blogger Barb said...

Well ,if some old man comes into an airport ticking and twitching, they can check him out, other idiots do like to copy-cat sometimes,but really we all know who to look for. hey , Possom ,how do you rate? I only have a cursor with my puter ,why do you get a precursor with yours?

August 17, 2006 8:58 PM  
Blogger camojack said...

My formula: P.C.=B.S.
(Often, anyway...)

August 18, 2006 3:01 AM  
Blogger boberin said...

Nutty stuff. Saw this on the Patriot (which you credit) and got quite a chuckle out of it, does seem so silly.
Add up all those attacks and they have taken out some 5000 of us. Problem is that "they" came from all over, many different countries, different times, different places. This serves to highlight the futility of assembling our army and attacking. Would be great if we could pin them down, go in and wipe them out. But we can't. If the war has taught us anything it should be that. Curiously, it could be argued that none of the events you mention originated or were sponsored by Iraq but that's were we chose to attack.
Even I don't know what that means, I just find it odd

August 18, 2006 6:48 AM  
Blogger boberin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 18, 2006 6:48 AM  
Blogger The trotting Possum said...

We could call it a flanking movement, Bob.

Leaving the Iraqis to their own devices, we have a large number of boots on the ground directly next door to Iran. They're a nation-state, and easy to locate, as opposed to the terrorists they sponsor.

It's a shame the world allows its fear and loathing of the United States to supersede recognition of the threat Iran and North Korea represent. When something apocalyptically bad happens, our current detractors will be begging us to save them.

At that point, I think we should tell the EU and the others "You're on your own", and retrench to protect America.

I'm still trying to get a handle on the ACLU and Those People celebrating the federal court's strikedown of the NSA eavesdropping. One door closes for us; another door opens for those whose aim is to see us dead.

Go figure.

August 18, 2006 7:36 AM  
Blogger boberin said...

There is something to that flanking theory. I still wish we had had a better plan going in. Hizbolla has won more hearts and minds in 1 week than we did in 3 years. They are putting FEMA to shame. Estimated cost of their largess is $150 million. I saw that quoted as though it were an extreme amount. Mind you, it is quite a bit of money but a proverbial drop in the bucket compared to what we are spending/will spend on a bunch of folks that, in the end, will elect folks that have no love or even like of us. We will have "freed" them to hate us. Too too bad

August 18, 2006 7:47 AM  
Blogger boberin said...

possum, I know you will enjoy this factoid

• 7 Native American tribes, 13 African tribes, and 2 Asian tribes had myths predicting that the end of the world would be between 2005 and 2015.

August 18, 2006 8:39 AM  
Blogger The trotting Possum said...

Bob:

The myth of the antebellum Confederate slave owner was that we abused them. The opposite was true; a well-cared-for slave served us better, with enhanced productivity.

Having enslaved Lebanon, Hezbollah is behooved to keep their servants content. They need to get the innocents to hold still, so they have solid cover to hide behind. A few bucks of Iranian oil money is nothing, to them or their sponsors.

I have been seeing signs of the end of the world ever since the '67 war in the Middle East. Without any spiritual aspects, the sun will eventually implode and end all life on earth. Hopefully, you and I will witness this from whatever metaphysical perspective we will assume upon our passing from this mortal coil.

Should the Iranian madman achieve his goal of ending the world prematurely, I plan to loot the nearest liquor store and drink myself into God's arms. I do not care to live in a post-nuclear world where the cockroaches of Islam will rule.

August 18, 2006 10:42 AM  
Blogger boberin said...

I'm with you there. Given a choice I would hope for the first bomb to hit Ambler rather than live on after in what will be a total hell within 1 week, 2 tops.
As for the timing, my part Cherokee has imparted on me this one bit of wisdom that helps me quite a bit. They were fond of saying "today is a good day to die" and they were right, it's as good as any. Not hoping for it but ready....

August 18, 2006 10:53 AM  
Blogger The trotting Possum said...

I have a tribal name with the Cherokee. I did some legal advocacy for them years ago, and was rewarded with an honorary tribal membership that trumps Ward Churchill's nebulous ancestry. Blood Mountain in my corner of north Georgia is named after how we rewarded them for leading us to the Dahlonega gold strike.

Any day is a good day to die. The Bible says we don't know when our souls may be put on call for stage front. I don't want a front-row seat and validated parking for Armageddon, but there are people in this world who seem to think that's the ticket to Heaven.

Taking the broader philosophical outlook, God gave us the means of our own destruction, via the knowledge of the nuclear weapon. With His cosmic sense of humor, He is now kicking back and watching what we will ultimately do with our little discovery.

If we fail the test, God will trash our Petrie-dish universe, and look to some place like Tralfamador for sucessful biological triumphs.

We are a huge experiment, granted a lot of weasel-room by God. As part of the carbon-based control units, I see ultimate failure of the test. Our better nature will allow evil to gain ascendancy; as Jack put it, PC=BS.

August 18, 2006 11:27 AM  
Blogger boberin said...

I knew I liked you for some reason. Any fan of Kurt Vonnegut is ok in my book. That man could write.
Ah, Montana Wildhack! A fine specimen of a woman
Me? a whopping 1/16 Cherokee, my great gandmother was full blooded

August 18, 2006 11:42 AM  
Blogger UpNorthLurkin said...

"Today is a good day to die" is a great quote from the movie, "Little Big Man" starring Dustin Hoffman. It is still one of my favorites!

August 18, 2006 12:12 PM  
Blogger UpNorthLurkin said...

Actually, from your quiz, I see a Muslim conspiracy or maybe just the makings of their retirement/social security plan....If the men don't live past age 40....actually, maybe just a form of population control...middle aged abortion if you will! Ha! How "progressive" of them!!

August 18, 2006 12:15 PM  
Blogger The trotting Possum said...

BTW, that was the Lakota Sioux and Mexican Apache tribe who said it's "a good day to die."

The Cherokee were more pro-life, which didn't earn them an inch on the Trail of Tears. One of the five "civilized tribes", they trusted the government and went where they were told.

It's another proud chapter in our history. (Sarcasm intended.)

August 18, 2006 12:20 PM  
Blogger The trotting Possum said...

So nice to know that I finally meet your stamp of approval, Bob!

Being an accomplished percussionist, an occasional little person in movies, or my degree in Poli-Sci doesn't do it, but reading Kurt Vonnegut rings your chimes? Okay, I'll settle for that.

Vonnegut, like Clancy and others, has alternate universe. There are recurring characters who fill out an all-encompassing vision.

I wish we could live in Vonnegut's universe, and Ice-9 is our greatest threat. Unfortunately, the oceans will freeze over before we defeat terrorism. They are temporal, and wait upon our losing interest in favor of MTV.

Grab your gonads and wait. This is not going to get easier. We are living in denial because of lack of attacks; we have a collective suprise coming.

August 18, 2006 12:44 PM  
Blogger boberin said...

Now now, don't get hurt so easily. Many thing you do impress me, have always contended that we might get along better than I think you might believe. The Vonnegut thing impressed me because I think he is brilliant (most of the time) and because few, if any, ever quote him. It's all wampeters and grandfaloons to me!
My havng been the head writer of a local television show that aired for 6 years and my brief but fun stint as a stand up comic doesn't get me any accolades either, that and .$35 will by me a newspaper, know what I mean?

August 18, 2006 1:39 PM  
Blogger The trotting Possum said...

Yes, indeed! I spent half my life as the unappreciated, doing the unspeakable, for the ungrateful.

August 18, 2006 3:43 PM  
Blogger The trotting Possum said...

We get along just fine, Bob. Did you really do stand-up? I'm told I'm quite the raconteur, where timing is everything in storytelling. I never tried it in public, but those who shared a few drinks and a left-handed cigarette seemed to like my tales from the crypt.

The best tales from the bizarre patchwork of my life will go untold here. The innocent must go unnamed, and no one would believe the facts anyhow. Truth truly is stranger than fiction.

August 18, 2006 7:28 PM  
Blogger camojack said...

So, Bob & Bob (et al), I'm ¼ Cherokee...FWIW.

August 18, 2006 11:40 PM  

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