Kennedys behaving badly

I stole that headline from Rich Galen, who publishes an online newsletter titled "Mullings", and occasionally shows up on FOX News to aggravate Those People with rational arguments. He was on the Patrick Kennedy story when it was being cold-shouldered by the mainstream media.

Gee, I wish I'd said that!

I have a history of DUIs in my past. When I was younger, and more foolish, I had issues that made me think alcoholic beverages contained an answer. All I had to do was climb into extremely fast automobiles and take them to their limits.

To this day, I thank God that this bad karma and misbehavior never tagged me. I wrecked a few cars, but I never injured or killed anyone along that troubled highway I traveled. (No pun intended.) That road was patrolled by a few policemen who were not happy with the way I was behaving. My dumbest move might’ve been during a fit of sobriety, when I took a straight-up bust for scofflaw speeding. The state trooper showed me the LED read-out on the radar gun, and informed me he was going to write me for 105 in a 70 zone. It was 0300, and nobody was crowding my roadway, where I was admittedly breaking the sound barrier.

Stone sober, and knowing I was busted, I asked the trooper if he’d write the ticket for 120 instead of 105. “I’m trying to sell the car” tumbled out of my big mouth.

The trooper wasn’t amused. Neither was the judge. The DA had a hissy fit, and dragged my lawyer into the parking lot to ask him “Why did he bring in a high-powered murder lawyer to handle a traffic ticket?” (The attorney explained the uncomfortable truth; he is a friend who was doing a personal favor, despite the fact that his reputation raises eyebrows. Judges and DAs cringe when he walks into their courtrooms.)

I revealed all that personal information so I can make the following declamation: I am sick and tired of hearing excuses about Kennedys! The elder Kennedy is a murderer; someone died in his car. If I had killed Mary Jo Kopechne under similar circumstances, I’d still be serving time today.

My cadre of DUI lawyers deployed all those tired arguments. “It’s a disease.” “It was the confusion of misunderstood medication.” “He was disoriented.” Even when the judges cut me a rare piece of running room, I could tell they weren’t buying it. Claiming "I don't remember getting up that morning" only makes me more suspect.

Naw. I was hammered. Lawyers do what they’re paid to do. Somebody teased me on my first post about Kennedys behaving badly; something to the effect that I must’ve had a hard time squeezing my tall self into such a cramped car. I levered myself into a number of high-powered cars; a ’63 Ford with a supercharged 429 motor, a ’63 Impala convertible with red leather upholstery and a 400-horse 327, and the legendary Corvette, among others. There was also the ’82 Brat with a Porsche engine. Wheelchair notwithstanding, I believe in moving fast when you have to move.

I never crashed one of these noble vehicles. For sure, nobody ever died as a passenger in one.

Patrick Kennedy now produces an alibi witness. The Corvette, and its Impala predecessor, were babe magnets. Oh, did I mention the '64 Oldsmobile 442 ragtop? Big horsepower with that 400 CID V-8, too, and more red leather upholstery. Had I not been married, I could’ve had all manner of passengers who’d swear in court we were only going 55 in the slow lane. I ain’t buying a pickup alibi at the Hawk ‘n Dove bar. That’s as cute as my remark to the trooper to write me for 120.

Pat Kennedy checked into a treatment center. I don’t want to hear his sniveling excuses; I want him to escape the curse of his clan. I wish him well in that regard, but I don’t want to hear another word about “the curse of addiction.” Face the truth, Patrick. Joe Jr. died in a horrible airplane mishap during War II. He was Ol’ Joe’s choice for the presidency. His death destroyed Ol’ Joe, the bootlegger/rumrunner. Robert was killed by an Islamic terrorist, the people your despised leader George Bush is battling. John was a war hero because he made the idiotic mistake of shutting that PT boat down in the path of a Japanese warship. His efforts to make amends for that mistake were heroic, but still…

Ted is the least of the litter, and can probably blame his "issues" with booze on being the baby brother who never claimed any high expectations. Given the family history, I sometimes wonder if he views his unnaturally long lifespan as a curse or a blessing. I also wonder if he views the life of Mary Jo Kopechne as anything more than a minor legal annoyance that affected his political career.

C’mon, Patrick. I’d change my name if I were you. Ted killed somebody with a car; you’re just dodging a traffic ticket, so far.

And all this comes on a day when Those People are trumpeting their plans for what they’ll do in the wake of achieving victory in the mid-term elections. I have one modest piece of advice: don’t let Pat Kennedy drive any of the float cars in the victory parade.