An All Points Bulletin from UPI News

(Atlanta, Georgia—UPI) Capitol police in Washington, DC have issued a nationwide all-points bulletin for Georgia congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, charging her with assaulting an officer at a security checkpoint. Ms. McKinney is alleged to have struck the Capitol building police officer with a cell phone after he attempted to stop her from entering the Capitol building while not wearing her congressional identification badge.

In a press conference from an undisclosed location, Ms. McKinney refuted the charges, claiming she is a victim of racial profiling and “inappropriate touching” by the security officer. “I changed my hairstyle, and that dumb [deleted] doesn’t recognize me any more,” Ms. McKinney declared. “I’ve been in Congress for years, representing the good people of Georgia, and just because those dumb cops screen thirty thousand people a day in the Capitol, it doesn’t excuse them not recognizing me. It’s those Republicans, out to get me because I told the public about President Bush’s prior knowledge of the September eleventh attacks. I wouldn’t be surprised if this crude racial profiling is a parting shot from that unconvicted felon Tom Delay. The culture of corruption in Washington has reached the point that an innocent African-American woman can’t go to work without being grabbed by some cop.”

Following a brief appearance on “FOX & Friends” Wednesday morning, where she steadfastly refused to answer any direct questions about the alleged assault, Ms. McKinney dropped out of sight. She is rumored to have returned to the 4th congressional district of Georgia. Located in the People’s Republic of Atlanta, an autonomous black homeland in the southern United States, the 4th district is what Ms. McKinney’s father, Billy, refers to as “her roots”.

“This is an obvious extension of the white, Jewish racist conspiracy that voted Cindy out of office a few years ago,” former congressman Billy McKinney stated. “My baby girl wouldn’t have hit that pig without a good reason.”

At the close of her press conference, Ms. McKinney displayed a copy of Mao Tse-Tung’s Little Red Book, a discredited Chinese communist manifesto, and what appeared to be an IED constructed around a cellular telephone.

“The next time somebody tries to grab me, I’m going to go upside their head with one of these,” Ms. McKinney warned. “The book’s going to hurt, but this older model cell phone will put someone into a world of hurt.” The congresswoman then fled the press conference, saying she had an urgent meeting with the Reverend Jesse Jackson, and was therefore unable to answer questions.

Capitol police, fearing that Ms. McKinney’s fugitive status would keep her off of her medication for a period of time that might result in her becoming a threat to herself and others, issued urgent appeals for the congresswoman to return to the District of Columbia.

Congressional minority leader Nancy Pelosi and members of the Black Congressional Caucus were unavailable for comment. Late this afternoon, Georgia senator Saxby Chambliss issued a statement praising Ms. McKinney’s public service: “Cynthia McKinney has done for the image of Georgia politics what the movie ‘Deliverance’ did for tourism in our state. Her contributions to her party should not be underestimated.”

Law enforcement authorities describe Ms. McKinney as "a master of disguise". While thought to be an African-American female, Ms. McKinney is alleged to be able to assume the race or gender of other ethnic groups as she deems appropriate. She is described as armed and dangerous, and should be approached with caution. Civilians are urged to maintain a safe distance, and notify local authorities if they sight Ms. McKinney.

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