Ka-Daffy Duck and the Pirates

I’m deliberately steering away from the Middle East situations until Muamar Qadaffi is dead or in hiding. There’s too much rhetoric about “freedom-loving people” looking for “change they can count on” for me to be easy about the dominoes tumbling in those countries. The majority of Americans voted for “fundamental change” in this country, and how’s that working out for you?

I see the coming of a unified, global caliphate dedicated to the worst tenets of Islam, not anything resembling our Western ideals of democracy. Remember, “democracy” is the simplest form of majority rule, and the best example of that is a lynch mob.

Bear in mind, also, that a “People’s Republic” is, in theory, a nation of law, but only a chosen few of “the people” get to make the laws.

Pirates weren’t unionized. They didn’t engage in collective bargaining. They took what they wanted, and those resisters who survived their initial onslaught were shoved overboard or sodomized and sold into slavery.

I suppose, in the romanticized sense of pirates, we could classify Qadaffi as one. He took what he wanted, his rule was absolute, and if you disagreed with him, your life was short and miserable. He was a terrorist madman until George W. Bush started slapping dictators and terrorists around in the region; Qadaffi’s rapprochement with the civilized nations of the world after the invasion of Iraq proved that he is also a coward; nothing more. Even when the Muslim Brotherhood takes over Libya, gasoline soars to $7 a gallon, and state-sponsored terrorism becomes the norm, the world will be slightly better off when Qadaffi goes to claim his 27 virgins in heathen’s paradise.

Meanwhile, real pirates are under sail in the Gulf of Aden, the Indian Ocean, and environs. Those who originally undertook the traditions of the Barbary Pirates captured cargo and took hostages; they understood that the weakness of the infidels is our resources and assets, and we will pay any price to recover them undamaged.

Now, the pirate “industry” has been taken over by a new generation. These children of anarchy are prone to panic, and have wasted their assets, most recently murdering four Americans in a blind panic because they—the pirates—were being tracked by a US warship after capturing the yacht the Americans were sailing on to circumnavigate the globe. The pirate “problem” is like the weather; everyone talks about it, but no one seems to be able to do anything about it.

I have a cheap and easy solution to this problem. Private carriers are reluctant to arm their commercial crews. Like bank tellers, merchant seamen operating in the hazardous areas are instructed to comply with hostage-takers. The parent company will pay up, and hope for the best. It’s only a matter of time before we have a repeat of the Achille Lauro horror of the 1980s, wherein a cruise ship was hijacked and a crippled Jewish man in a wheelchair—Leon Klinghoffer—was murdered and shoved overboard by Islamic terrorists.

I had a vigorous argument with a like-minded friend when I first floated this proposition a while back. He insisted that my concept was based upon incidents occurring during War I, and I insisted that at the beginning of War II, similar tactics were employed, with diminished returns. Further research shows that two waves of these specialized ships were dispatched from Germany during the early days of War II, winning my initial argument. (Sorry, Mack!) They had better luck during War I, when the world was a simpler place, but they scored in 1939-41, too.

What we need now is a couple of hilfskreuzers; also known as commerce raiders.

The idea was that these converted refrigerator ships—faster than conventional freighters—would conceal six-inch deck guns and other armaments. Flying false flags of neutral countries, these ships would draw to close quarters with merchantmen of Allied countries, drop disguising panels, raise the German flag at the last moment, and sink the unarmed prey.

The open sea is a huge place, and a modern warship is distinguishable for miles. (The median visual distance to the horizon from sea level, i.e. standing on the beach at water’s edge, is 18.5 miles.) A cruiser, destroyer, or fast frigate is not going to sneak up on anyone. Besides, the point isn’t to go after anybody. What we want to do is run a “honey trap.”

The trend among the modern pirates is to go after oil tankers, with yachts running a close second. Container ships are also high-priority, as they carry millions of dollars worth of goodies. The crews are invaluable, and the pirates count on our regard for human life as a weakness they can exploit, too.

I’m sure that somewhere on the world market, there is a disused oil tanker, container ship, cruise liner, and yacht. While we, as a nation, are spending billions of dollars for liberal vote-buying schemes, surely we could spare a few million to buy some of these derelicts. Those ships could then be run into northern shipyards—languishing since our foreign trade deficit has destroyed the shipping industry—and a few jobs could be “created” by the government to refit these hulls into commerce raiders. Lots of rust scraping and painting, and while we’re at it, installation of drop panels on the sides, high-velocity 105 mm deck guns, 40 mm Bofors quad guns, and some suitably disguised 20 mm radar-guided Phalanx Gatling guns. Oh, and some M-2 .50 caliber Browning “Ma Deuces” that can quickly be carried on deck and dropped into rail mounts for the small stuff. The heavier weapons can be deck-mounted behind the drop panels, ready for the crew service of regular-service US sailors upon command.

It is arguable that you don’t want to put cruise-ship passengers or civilian merchant seamen at risk by arming them and encouraging resistance to boarding by pirates. The response of the crew of the Maersk Alabama two years ago proves that merchant seamen will fight when hijacked, but I am advocating a strict military response; short, fast, and to the point.

Once equipped, put these false-flag vessels out into the region of piracy. Move them covertly to ports of origin for many of the favored pirates’ targets, then have them sail slowly past the coast of Somalia (since that’s where most of the lawlessness seems to originate.) When the seagoing cowboys ride out in their speedboats and fire the first shots at their “easy” prey, heave to in the water, drop the sides, and sink the bastards. Problem solved.

Yes, modern pirates use GPS technology and sophisticated radio communications. The first few assaults may be sunk so hard-and-fast that they may not have time to get a radio message off, but the word will get out. There are ships out there that are not what they appear to be. Suddenly, the odds have gone up dramatically for the quick-buck artists. That oil tanker may only be carrying water for ballast to make it ride low in the water, and the only passengers on that cruise ship may be the Marines bunking below deck. That yacht they thought carried four innocent civilians may suddenly separate into two components like the Disco Volante in “Thunderball”, and come after them on hydrofoils with guns blazing.

I used to dissuade wild game hunters with the remark that if the rabbits and deer could shoot back, a lot of those fearless hunters would suddenly take up needlepoint. If we possessed the national will to undertake my proposal, the world would be a safer place, and lawless savages would have to think of another scam. The ships would be manned by volunteer military personnel, and all acts of aggression would transpire in open [international] waters. A lot of governments and families would be spared a lot of grief without raising a finger. As in the past, sit back and relax. America will take care of it.

Unfortunately, this is just a juvenile maritime fantasy. More people are willing to apologize for the conditions of poverty that allegedly drove the pirates to their way of life than are willing to do something about the “problem” of lawless savagery.

Still, I’d have the commerce raider’s PA blaring Cheap Trick’s rendition of Fats Domino’s “Ain’t That a Shame” when the sides dropped and the deck guns swung to bear. That might give somebody something to think about.